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Rhia
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Mitheoni lowers my brother onto his bed. I brush a red curl off of his forehead as he growls under his breath, forcing himself into a sitting position. He scowls up at Mitheoni. "Leave."
I smile apologetically to the young Law and shrug. "Thank you, Mitheoni. I can take care of him from here."
He grins at me and bows. "A pleasure to meet you, Advocate. Until next time." He stands and salutes with a wink, then vanishes.
"About damn time."
"Now now, Tighe." I lean over and yank on one of his curls, earning a scowl. "He was only trying to help."
He snorts and bats at my fingers. "You could have carried me yourself and you know it. I don't know why you're trying to get a rise out of me--"
"Because I can," I grin, and drop onto the bed near his feet. He winces as he bounces from the impact. "Because I'm a brainless, heartless, cold and interfering dau--" My breath is forced from my chest as he suddenly pulls me into a hug, squeezing me so tightly that it's near painful to draw a breath. I awkwardly leverage my arms free and wrap them around him. "I missed you, too," I manage to squeak out.
"Didn' just miss you," he says into my neck, then chokes on a sob. I feel my throat tighten in response, and the world swims behind sudden tears.
I missed you too. I just didn't realize how much until now... oh, little brother, I'm sorry. I didn't expect that. I never, ever would have dreamt you would be left behind.
He wriggles his head along my shoulder, drying his cheeks on my shirt. Did you expect any of it?
I... I pause, searching for any memory at all of that moment. I don't think I did, but I can't seem to actually remember what happened, Tighesinnodai. He flinches, and I can't quite stifle my giggle as I catch a little ripple of irritation at the name. What, should I call you something else? Arik doesn't work any more. It's not very you anymore.
"Anything but that. Give me a name." He leans back and looks down at me, waiting, and I'm struck by an ancient memory of a similar moment.
"Well, then. From now on, you're Arik. That's enough for a small fry like you..."
What to call him now? This older, much taller version of the boy who was the Law? I tilt my head, and he unthinkingly tilts his own in the same direction. I grin as a name wells out of wherever such friend-names come from, and I poke him on the nose.
"Dai'sy."
His eyes go wide, the black at the center near swallowing the gold. Before I can ask what's wrong, he crumples and slides backwards out of my arms, his head thudding against the headboard. I jump forward and grab his head with my hands, diving into his mind. That was obviously enough a trigger that I'm worried for his mind --
-- which seems intact enough. Whatever that name meant to him, it's only frightened him that badly to hear it. I reach for some way to communicate, and feel him respond. Are you alright?
Fine, I'm fine... get out. He's strong enough to shove at me, but I'm worried enough that I resist. He grumbles, but I dig in and refuse to budge.
No. You're not fine if some stupid little name --
Tia. She called me that. I blink, and he opens his eyes and looks into mine. She scares me.
I snort. "I can tell."
He looks away, frowning. I sit back, letting my fingers rake gently through his reddish curls as I do, watching them spring back. He sighs and looks back at me. "I don't remember what happened when I was... when I was in the Void. I just..." His voice trails off, and he looks away again. I'm struck by how beautiful he looks, sitting there. It feels funny to notice something like that, seeing him in a way that isn't... usual? It's uncomfortable. I bite my lip, forcing the strange feelings down and willing him to continue. After a moment, he takes a deep breath. "Whatever happened, it scared me. I remember feeling very lost, and very confused. I couldn't remember how I had gotten there, and couldn't remember who I was."
"Who are you?" I blink at the sound of my own voice. I shake my head. "Nevermind that. Please, continue."
He stares at me a moment longer, then frowns. "No, Rhia, I think you have the right of it. That was what I was there for." His frown deepens as his vision goes unfocused, as if he's staring at the floor through the bed. "Anavar said something about choosing who I was going to be. I must have chosen there." I'm not sure what manner of face I'm making, but he looks up at me and laughs. After a moment, he shakes his head and grins at me. "Why did you pick that name, anyway?"
I shrug. "It just popped into my head." I look into his eyes, feeling his mind for some other association, or some other train of thought. "Sorry, that's the best one I can give you. Maybe it's something she gave you herself, but it's you."
His nose wrinkles in disgust. "Can we at least only use part of that?"
I roll the possibilities through my head, then nod. "I think 'Sy fits you well enough." His lips move as he mouths it to himself, trying it on like a new cloak. He finally nods.
Duty done, I curl up next to him on his narrow bed, resting my head in his lap. Like any well-trained kin, he immediately starts scratching my head. He smells good. Warm, safe, and familiar. A large portion of my hair falls over my face, and I close my eyes.
"Rhia?"
"Mmm?"
"Why are you still Rhia?"
I open one eye in surprise, then close it again, thinking. It's a good question, and I repeat the thought aloud for his benefit, following it with, "I'm not sure, though. I should be like you, shouldn't I?"
"But you aren't." His fingers massage my scalp, taking some of the sting out of the accusatory tone. "Other than your eyes changing like mine, nothing about you is different."
"Nothing?" I suppress a twitch of surprise. "Wait, 'Sy, my eyes have changed?"
His fingers stop in my hair, and I can feel him staring down at me. "You didn't notice?"
I sit up and glare into his face. "When have I exactly had a moment to stare at myself?" The world seems to freeze around me for a moment. "'Sy, does that mean I'm not..." I can't force myself to say the words.
He reaches up and strokes my hair out of my face. "Why don't you try it and see?"
I bite my lip and nod, setting into a comfortable seated position. He adjusts his legs to give me room to cross mine. As I close my eyes, letting my breath out in a steady rush, I feel his hand on my knee, calming me with its warm weight.
There's a place inside of me that never changes. It's inside all the Advocates, every one of us in every world, and we all see it roughly the same way: a bright, ivory room, arched and tall and expansive. Gold runs through the floors, accents the gleaming marble pillars, and traces our language across the ceiling in ancient echoes. This place is alive in its own sense, a universal constant beyond all universes, encompassing them all.
We are always here, in a way that I both don't understand, but still makes perfect sense when I'm walking these halls. The others nod greetings to me, and I smile back. While I am here, I know each of them for who they are, but outside the temple the faces slip away. Still, that knowing is a comfort. As long as I am here, as long as I am the Advocate, I am never alone.
I open my eyes, and see relief reflected in 'Sy's. "You're still you," he says, and I smile. Who else could I be? At the same time, I feel a rush of relief that I still have it, this identity.
Still, there's a difference. This is how I lived, and until I walked the halls of the Advocate I hadn't realized that I wasn't just living with this clarity and purpose all the time. I close my eyes and look within again, and see how it can be turned off.
"It's draining you," 'Sy says. "Let it go."
He's right, but I don't want him to be right. He leans over and wraps an arm around my shoulders, his forehead bumping mine. "Let it go, Rhia, before you collapse." I sigh, shuddering a little, and finally close off that flow.
I can't help but deflate a little, and 'Sy rubs circles between my shoulders as I cry.
He understands in the most unexpected ways sometimes.
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